Parents are naturally concerned when children struggle in school. Professionals studying school and learning problems distinguish between “high severity” and “low severity” learning differences. High severity learning differences include mental retardation, delayed language development, speech problems, blindness, deafness, etc. These problems are diagnosed easily and appropriate interventions are begun when affected children are infants or toddlers.

Low severity learning differences are more difficult to diagnose and treat. We estimate 20% of intelligent children underachieve because of some combination of low severity learning problems. Because they are intelligent, children with mild learning differences do well for a time and then experience “High Output Failure” (HOF). These children typically do well in early grades because learning demands in early elementary classrooms do not tax their learning ability weaknesses; they begin to underachieve and fail in later grades when demands for performance increase. Low severity learning differences include problems with auditory/visual information processing, receptive/expressive language, memory problems, problems paying attention, etc.

The clearest example of a low severity learning difference is handwriting. In early grades, emphasis in handwriting is on neatness. Children are given plenty of time to demonstrate they can write neatly. In later grades, there is a shift in emphasis from neatness to output or speed. Children with poor handwriting now must think about what is being written rather than how neatly it is written. Handwriting speed becomes important because handwriting must keep pace with thinking. Handwriting is messy when they write quickly; they fail to complete assignments on time and what they write is often unacceptable when they slow down for neatness. Because they cannot write quickly, they slow their thinking to match slow handwriting.

HOF typically emerges beyond third or fourth grade and its most obvious “symptom” is failure or refusal to complete homework assignments. Children experiencing HOF also frequently become disruptive, belligerent, and difficult to manage. They may become increasingly social in school and many begin clowning. This is because intelligent children redefine their difficulty. They do not understand why school has become difficult and conclude it is better to be seen as “bad”, “social” or “funny” than it is to be considered “stupid”.

Teachers and parents do not understand these children and often (or invariably) misdiagnose their problems. Because the children were successful in earlier grades, parents and teachers conclude the children more recently have become unmotivated, lazy, emotionally disturbed, or suffer from Attention Deficit-Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Rather than being helped to succeed, they are often punished for failure, prescribed unneeded medications (90% of children taking medications for school problems are misdiagnosed or incompletely diagnosed), or put in counseling by well intended parents and professionals who don’t understand learning differences. Children experiencing HOF become increasingly distractible in the classroom but it is not because of ADHD. They also become increasing emotional. However, increased distractibility and emotionality are the result of learning difficulties in these children…not causes of underachievement.

Contact me through www.parentsastherapists.com and I will explain how low severity learning problems should be diagnosed and treated.

Parent-child relationships are pleasant and harmonious in many families. They are not in many others and family harmony is disrupted by minor behavior problems that are significant to parents. Even though the problems are not considered serious, they lead to conflicts between parents who disagree about how to deal with the behaviors and between parents and children. Examples of such “low severity” behavior problems include disrespect, fighting, poor manners, messiness, school problems and conflicts about homework, neglecting chores, hygiene, dawdling, swearing, etc.

Relatively minor behavior problems are often more difficult to deal with than major concerns about children. Because the behaviors are of low severity, parents deal with them in an inconsistent manner. As an example of inconsistency, consider what I have termed “Windshield Wiper Parenting” (related to Thresholds of Tolerance” discussed below). Children misbehave and parents tolerate the misbehavior; in part because it is not serious, and in part because they don’t know what to do. The behavior continues, escalates, and parents eventually react. That puts a stop to the behavior temporarily but it comes back. Parents tolerate, react, tolerate, react…back and forth, to and fro; going to extremes, just like a windshield wiper! Inconsistent discipline is ineffective discipline and the problems continue; day after day, week after week, month after month.

A related factor or concept contributing to inconsistent discipline has been referred to as parents’ “Thresholds of Tolerance”. Parents often don’t respond to bickering or fighting between children until the children bicker or fight “too much”. They react when children dawdle too long, become too messy, or when chores are delayed or ignored too long. Children at times are allowed to be mildly disrespectful but their behavior becomes a problem when they are too disrespectful.

How much misbehavior is too much? These are very difficult lessons to learn. Parents are often told children “test the limits”. Are they testing limits or looking for limits? Limits are clear when misbehavior is not tolerated at all. I am much more comfortable knowing the speed limit in construction zones on Interstate Highways is 45mph than I would be if the speed limit signs read “Don’t drive too fast”.

When children go too far and their behavior exceeds their parents’ thresholds for tolerance (i.e., the true limits), parents react; the behaviors stop for a time and parents are deceived into thinking what they did was effective. In fact, all that was accomplished was a temporary halt to the misbehavior. This is a little like wetting your pants on a cold day…the relief experienced is only temporary!

I introduced the concept of “negative reinforcement” in learning theory in my last post. When parents finally react to misbehavior that has gone too far, the behavior stops and parents are negatively reinforced for inappropriate discipline; they continue to use parenting strategies that briefly put an end to irritating behaviors but do not prevent them from recurring in the future.

Remember, effective discipline is discipline that teaches children to do the right thing without being told.

Many issues make parenting difficult; here are a few. First, some children have difficult personalities or temperaments. They are naturally difficult to manage and have what has been called an “irritable-active” temperament. They are busy, inattentive, distractible, etc., and these characteristics are present from birth. Other temperamental characteristics in children also make parenting difficult and less enjoyable than we would like.

Another factor influencing success with children is parental personality or temperament. Some people are temperamentally suited for parenting; they are sensitive, patient, thoughtful, etc. Some are not. Just as children can be irritable, some parents are easily irritated by relatively innocent aspects of their children’s behavior. They are quickly reactive and thoughtful planning for appropriate discipline does not come easy.

The parent-child match in temperament is also important in parenting and is often overlooked. Active parents have an easier time with active children. Parents who are not active have an easier time with children who are easy-going and less active. Problems develop when there is a temperamental mismatch. Busy and active parents don’t understand slow-moving laid back children. Slow moving and less active parents have great difficulty with energetic children. Historically, scientists and professionals have not paid sufficient attention to similarity of parent-child temperament in providing parenting advice.

Another obstacle to discipline is overestimation of children. We think children are more capable than they really are, leading us to be casual in our discipline until problems emerge. Consequently, when problems develop, parents are not prepared to deal with them. We don’t plan the lessons to be taught and how to teach them because we think our children already know. How many times have you said “You know better than that” to your child? Because our children talk like adults, do things physically parents cannot, and know things parents don’t know we unconsciously assume they have already learned the important lessons of life.

Another problem parents encounter leading to ineffective or inappropriate discipline is called “negative reinforcement”. In learning theory, the term “reinforcement” means the likelihood of a behavior is increasing. The term “negative” means that something has been removed or terminated. Negative reinforcement refers to strengthening a behavior by taking something away after the behavior occurs. This is a trap for parents as we are negatively reinforced for questionable parenting practices. Yell, spank, grab, or threaten children and they stop doing what their parents found irritating or inappropriate. Parents thus are deceived into thinking that yelling, spanking, etc., are effective disciplinary techniques. Put a child in time out in a naughty chair and irritating behavior ends. Count to three and they stop. We are deceived into thinking naughty chairs and counting (One, two, three…Magic? Not really) are effective…they are not. Discipline that is effective does not merely put a stop to problems; it keeps them from starting in the first place!

The good news is parents can overcome problems with temperament and poor strategies through planning. Visit parentsastheraspists.com to find out how.

I am Dr. Victor M. Dmitruk (Ph.D), a Licensed Pediatric and Family Psychologist in private practice in Kalamazoo, Michigan, USA. As suggested by the name of my Blog and my website, www.parentsastherapists.com, I provide help to families, parents, and children in distress. My approach is unconventional though; I am the only child psychologist I know who does not meet regularly with children and teens “in therapy”. Those of you who have had children in therapy probably realize what a dead end that can be. The money you spent for face to face therapy for your children probably would have been put to better use by taking a vacation or investing in a mutual fund for your Golden Years.

Therapy for children is a promise that has never been fulfilled and “therapists” do not have to be too smart or too well trained to sit and talk to a kid for an hour. In fact, in many cases, the kids refuse to talk to their counselors at all! Many parents have told me over the years that their child’s counselor who, of course, must maintain confidentiality, thinks their son or daughter “is starting to open up” after a year or so in therapy. Huh? What? Ka-ching!

Instead of meeting with children or teens who are in distress or acting out, I meet and work with parents (online and in the office) to empower and provide them with the tools they need to help their children and restore balance and harmony to their family. I think I am pretty smart, very well trained, and I have years of successful experience.

I earned BA, MA, and Ph.D. degrees in psychology through Michigan State University. After eight or 10 years as a college professor, I returned to school and gained my clinical experience as a Postdoctoral Fellow in Pediatric and Family Psychology at the University of North Carolina Memorial Medical Center in Chapel Hill. After two years of postdoctoral training, I returned to Michigan and entered private practice. I have been helping children and families locally, nationally, and internationally ever since.

So, here is my first topic for consideration and discussion. What experiences have you had in seeking help for your children through therapy? Sharing your experiences and suggestions could be very helpful to other parents, so let’s hear your comments…good and bad.

Future postings will probably be made at two week intervals and will present timely topics (food for thought) for parents as well as specific advice to help solve common problems in children that can cause enormous disarray and disharmony in families (e.g., disrespect, kids fighting, school problems, care of pets and belongings, chores and allowances, mealtimes and bedtimes, etc.) and anything else you might propose.

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